Monday, September 22, 2014

Finding Story!

Movie Name: Finding Story!
Duration: When the Baby is done crying
Rating: ***** / Moron


Disclaimer: The review mentioned here is purely non-fictional and it has everything to do with the editor of the so called leading newspaper, living or by now morally dead. It’s purely coincidental if this article gets publicity without sharing my clichéd cleavage pictures.

The plot begins when a leading newspaper, back in time used to lead by example bringing news at its best form to people. This was when engrossing statistics, informative news and reports on corruption, scams and ofcourse “eve-teasing, rapes and safety for women” were highlighted, Yes that too happened once upon a time! Time and again, inspite of the BREAKING NEWS on the fastest news channels were things like a cat was killed while crossing the road", this medium got everything that made pure sense to the common man, every morning. This first half of the film is very engrossing, fancy and commendable. It engages the audience well, holds everyone to their seats and also charms them with the initiatives for women, education and voting campaigns. *Applause*

But as powerful and interesting as the first half sounds, the second half of the film leads to a turmoil of a chaos, desperation and immaturity. The plot looks like a desperate attempt to SELL SEX when it introduces the leading Heroine of the film with her zoomed-in cleavage shots. The boring, done to death and clichéd direction and writing, displays a loss of respect to the plot. It does no justice to the acting capabilities of a Heroine who dominated the acting industry last year. In fact, it doesn't justify portraying any woman’s moral this way, especially when on regular "Thank God we don't have to create news today because we already have some" days you portray the sleeping government and talk about how impotent they were on discussing eve-teasing and rapes, right?

While the audience refuse to accept your say, the critics are working on the same page by stating that there is a huge difference between incorporating sexuality according to the lines of “the script demands”, and simply selling it on any platform for publicity sake. 

Hit things about the film:
  • Heroine’s fight back. Something that goes to say, if newspapers have the right to express their opinions, so do others.
  • The industry runs on only three things that are Entertainment, Entertainment and Entertainment was 2012, this is 2014. Thank you!
  • Somewhere an Indian politician saying, "Maybe it's not Chow Mein, it is this kind of news that evoke men to eve-tease.

Flop things about the film:
  • It only goes to prove how far the word Journalism has reached. While college quote Lakhs for rupees for their recognised courses in Journalism, teaching moral rules and writing for the betterment of the country is never a part of the syllabus. 
  • A heroine does not need to show skin or raise her opinion for her upcoming film, especially when she has given 4 bumper hits last year. Clearly, you have got your facts wrong.

  • OMG, I wish there was a video marking your face on how you got screwed when someone voiced an opinion and you simply could not handle the criticism, was made.
  • Hi, I have an answer to why I did this is directly proportional to okay now my ego is hurt. Did you really think people would understand you? Double LOL!
Conclusion:
Give it a miss, you surely don’t want to waste your Rs. 6 on an unethical and unreasonable save-my-ass plot. As for the film makers/writers of this spine-less story, GET A LIFE; no wait, get meaningful stories which you work for and we pay you for. 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

So High Five for Wi-Fi in Railways? Here are 10 ways to decide

The news is out! Forget the promises of cleaner toilets and better seats in the trains, the Railway Minister today announced that the Indian Railways will soon have Wi-Fi installed in a few of their trains. Interesting? May be not. Let's have a look at how people might utilize this system before we draw a conclusion.  


1.     Firangs can now click photos of Indian people doing potty on the railway tracks and upload it on Instagram for instant likes

2.     After standing in the ticket queue and getting a confirmed ticket, people can now complain, tweet and bitch about IRCTC because online their tickets are still not confirmed


3.     When Gujarati aunties start shouting or playing Antakshari in the train, at night, people can laugh at them by playing Gangnam Style in full volume. (Maybe dance in front of them too)

4.     Railways can now install iPads in the urinals, download the Draw Something application in it and let people draw anything on it rather than drawing and writing things like ‘Jo Kaam Karne Aaya Hai Woh Kar Ke Jaa Na Ch$%#3’, on the walls

5.     Insecure parents can now keep a check on their children through Skype calls

6.     Illiterate Mamas can masturbate on the Chachas next to them in the general compartment, after watching metacafe.com on their mobile phones


7.     People can now become the mayor of places like Ghazibad Railway station by frequently checking-in at the station, with foursquare

8.     Drunk Soup boys can do a Harlem Shake with the TC and upload the video on You Tube to make it viral


9.     Possessive lovers can manage to keep a check on their partners by checking their 'Last Seen At' status on Watsapp


      And finally, Tharki Uncles/Aunties/Boys/Girls who us meet in our journeys can send us instant Fraandship requests on FB

      So High Five for Wi-Fi or not, now decide that for yourself...

  
      Like it? Hate it? Leave your suggestions and comments at Facebook.com/DakshinAdyanthaya or Twitter.com/@upsidedakshin

Thursday, December 6, 2012

10 things the Indian Mothers will do during Apocalypse


Hawwwwww :O we are all going to die! 21st December marks the Judgement day. But to be honest I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of the torture I will go through at home before dying. The fact that I will be killed a million times before dying a death in the hands of a natural disaster. Yes I'm talking about moms, Indian moms! 
Indian moms, the most melodramatic species to exist on Planet Earth, will get themselves ready for the survival of a lifetime. What would they do? Here is a glimpse of it.

  1. Most of the moms will be glued to Star News, Zee News and Aaj Tak, and make their own versions of the stories and bet on it
  2. Gujarati moms will pack and stock up dabbas with Fafda, Kakra, Dhokla and Kachori for their journey in case they survive
  3. Most of the moms will call their relatives and ask/share all the gossips/secrets they have hidden all these years from each other
  4. South Indian Ammas will visit temples bare-foot and bribe Murgan, Aayapam and Sri Ganeshan with one month free supply of Thayir Sadam (curd- rice meal)
  5. Bengali moms will go on a morcha or write books on how Bengalis were than other human species. If they get bored writting, they will settle writing a fish curry recipe book 
  6. Punjabi moms will prefer drinking 3 bottles of Whiskey or Rum and sleep their way through Apocalypse. In case they survive they will celebrate drinking 3 more bottles
  7. Marwari moms will try winning a game of Housie Housie or Teen Pati in a kitty party before dying
  8. Most of the moms will call Colours TV, to find out what will happen to Ballika Vaddu in the upcoming weeks
  9. Goan moms will have a fenny, take out their acoustic guitar, sing and dance on the Gay Gay Gay Reh!
  10. And finally most of the moms will pack extra tissues, toothpicks, and sauf (Fennel Seeds) from all the hotels they will be eating before they die


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Jab Tak Hai Jaan (a beautiful poem)


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Original version (The filmy version in the movie)
Teri aankhon ki namkeen mastiyaan
Teri hansi ki beparwah gustaakhiyaan
Teri zulfon ki lehraati angdaaiyaan
Nahin bhoolunga main
Jab tak hai jaan. Jab tak hai jaan
Tera haath se haath chodna
Tera saayon ka rukh modna
Tera palat ke phir na dekhna
Nahin maaf karunga main
Jab tak hai jaan, Jab tak hai jaan



My version ( The real SRK version in movies)

Teri gay hone ki namkeen chutkuliyaan
Teri picture mein haklaane ki bimariyaan
Teri har picture mei ek hi style se dailogue lene ki angdaaiyaan
Nahin bhoolunga main
Jab tak hai jaan. Jab tak hai jaan

Tera Ra.One banake hume pakne ke liye chodna
Tera Ganguly ko KKR mein select karne se modna
Tera picture ke interval mein Onn baniyan ka ad dikhana
Nahin maaf karunga main
Jab tak hai jaan, Jab tak hai jaan

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Ten ways to save yourself from Raksha Bandhan



It is that time of the year when men don't feel like getting out of their homes, socialise with friends or even try the axe deodorants. Because it is that time of the year where women, like ghost busters, roam freely in the busy streets of India in search of brothers.

Yes it is that time of the year which we call Raksha Bandhan. But don't fear because some tips are here to save you the torture. Here are ten ways to save yourself from Raksha Bandhan.

  • When a girl calls you for tying a rakhi, tell her the same dialogue she cracks when you ask her out. Simply say, '' Maine tujhe uss nazar se kabhi dekha nahin hai. I don't mean to hurt, but let's just be friends naa. Sorry!''

P.S: Capture her photo with her expression at that very moment, Instagram it and upload it on Facebook and Twitter to get the maximum likes.

  • Tell her your nick name is Anna (brother in Tamil) and there is no need to tie a rakhi to make you her brother. (it's a lie for a day).


  • Tell her that your school pledge was a lie. Your school made you read it everyday because they did not want another DPS MMS scandal.


  • Kiss her before she ties the rakhi. And tell her that now she cannot tie you a rakhi or else you in literal sense would be called a bhen#%%*


  • Tell her you have a crush on her sister or her sister asked you out and she tying you rakhi means stopping two lovers from mating, I mean meeting.


  • Tell her you are broke and this rakhi you plan to borrow money for the next few months from your new sister


  • Tell her your family is cursed. Simply convince her that anyone who becomes your sister will die in 3 days out of a painful death.


  • Show her your ugliest cousin brother's picture and tell her that in your family the one who becomes your sister should marry your cousin, according to the family traditions.


  • Plaster your hands and say it's a fracture. Convince her that the lightest of the touch there and you could lose your hand.


  • And if nothing works try this, embarrass her by shouting in the public places in Gujju accent saying Here comes my Bhen. Oh my bhen, let's go and watch Coketale in the movie hole. I promise you she will never see you ever again after that, but at least you won't end up being her brother. :P


Issued in public interest! Please share if you care. And remember whatever you do, no matter what the situation is, don't lend your hand to a woman today!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

(WTF Ad): What-The-Foolish Advertisement


(WTF Ad) What-The-Foolish Advertisement
And then, that’s not all, your friend refuses to touch you because he thinks it spreads.

Your day starts, travelling in the train/bus/rickshaw to your work or college. You spend hours working hard, doing project work and spend hours sweating the hell out in a non a/c room (referring to room number 3). And then by the end of the day you are tired, smelling bad and not to forget the body itch or the pimple you developed on your forehead while travelling back home.
After such a traumatising day, you reach home, get fresh and sit in front of your television set. You tune into MTV to hear some good music but what really happens from there is EPIC.
For Women:
You see a ‘Clean and Clear’ face wash advertisement. You suddenly feel it is god who hasn’t an angel to get rid of your pimple. But what really needs to be noted in the advertisement is the way the ad goes. It always starts with two good looking, well figured girls, looking in front of the mirror, and one of them, in a very squeaky voice says, ‘’ewwwwwwwwwww!!! Do din mein party hai, aur yeh dark circles, pimples aur yeh muhaase jate hi nahin hai’’.
1)      Lady, remember the golden rule. Guys in the parties check out everything in you but your pimple, so relax. The agency clearly needs to understand the needs of a man before showing the needs of a woman
2)      You are definitely going to mask yourself with 6 extra layers of make-up which is going to hide your dark spots, blackheads and dark circles. So why worry?
3)      It’s just a pimple, don’t over react, take a deep breath, using the damn product and go to your party.

It’s pretty obvious that agencies need to come across better ways to burst the pimple-free-advertisement-clutter.

Tip for the advertising agencies: Pimple is a hygienic problem, not a relationship problem. Don’t mix love/flirt and relationships with pimples or dark circles.



For men:



When men expect Katrina Kaif to appear on the screen, playing with her mangoes (no pun intended), they end up expecting something even more exciting in the name of ‘’Itch-guard cream’’ advertisement. Like honestly, that’s the only sole purpose which makes women believe that men don’t take a bath. I mean seriously, why doesn’t an Itch Guard advertisement have a woman scratching her parts? #SEXISTAdvertisements

Well again, the advertisement always starts with someone else noticing your itching problems. Aren’t you old enough to figure it out yourself dude?

Dude, just remember one thing your scars/itches looks more like a love bite than an infection. So the creative team again, please come with something more creative so that we don’t end up scratching our head instead of our crotch, wondering what just happened.

Tip for the advertising agencies: Men don’t use carom coins to scratch their neck or crotch in case of an itch. Please do not encourage them in using such props.