10 things the Indian Mothers will do during Apocalypse

Hawwwwww :O we are all going to die! 21st December marks the Judgement day. But to be honest I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of the torture I will go through at home before dying. The fact that I will be killed a million times before dying a death in the hands of a natural disaster. Yes I'm talking about moms, Indian moms! 

Indian moms, the most melodramatic species to exist on Planet Earth, will get themselves ready for the survival of a lifetime. What would they do? Here is a glimpse of it.

1. Most of the moms will be glued to Star News, Zee News and Aaj Tak, and make their own versions of the stories and bet on it
2. Gujarati moms will pack and stock up dabbas with Fafda, Kakra, Dhokla and Kachori for their journey in case they survive
3. Most of the moms will call their relatives and ask/share all the gossips/secrets they have hidden all these years from each other
4. South Indian Ammas will visit temples bare-foot and bribe Murgan, Aayapam and Sri Ganeshan with one month free supply of Thayir Sadam (curd- rice meal)
5. Bengali moms will go on a morcha or write books on how Bengalis were than other human species. If they get bored writting, they will settle writing a fish curry recipe book 
6. Punjabi moms will prefer drinking 3 bottles of Whiskey or Rum and sleep their way through Apocalypse. In case they survive they will celebrate drinking 3 more bottles
7. Marwari moms will try winning a game of Housie Housie or Teen Pati in a kitty party before dying
8. Most of the moms will call Colours TV, to find out what will happen to Ballika Vaddu in the upcoming weeks
9. Goan moms will have a fenny, take out their acoustic guitar, sing and dance on the Gay Gay Gay Reh!
10. And finally most of the moms will pack extra tissues, toothpicks, and sauf (Fennel Seeds) from all the hotels they will be eating before they die

Jab Tak Hai Jaan (a beautiful poem)

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Original version (The filmy version in the movie)

Teri aankhon ki namkeen mastiyaan

Teri hansi ki beparwah gustaakhiyaan

Teri zulfon ki lehraati angdaaiyaan

Nahin bhoolunga main

Jab tak hai jaan. Jab tak hai jaan

Tera haath se haath chodna

Tera saayon ka rukh modna

Tera palat ke phir na dekhna

Nahin maaf karunga main

Jab tak hai jaan, Jab tak hai jaan

My version ( The real SRK version in movies)

Teri gay hone ki namkeen chutkuliyaan

Teri picture mein haklaane ki bimariyaan

Teri har picture mei ek hi style se dailogue lene ki angdaaiyaan

Nahin bhoolunga main

Jab tak hai jaan. Jab tak hai jaan

Tera Ra.One banake hume pakne ke liye chodna

Tera Ganguly ko KKR mein select karne se modna

Tera picture ke interval mein Onn baniyan ka ad dikhana

Nahin maaf karunga main

Jab tak hai jaan, Jab tak hai jaan

Ten ways to save yourself from Raksha Bandhan

It is that time of the year when men don't feel like getting out of their homes, socialise with friends or even try the axe deodorants. Because it is that time of the year where women, like ghost busters, roam freely in the busy streets of India in search of brothers.

Yes it is that time of the year which we call Raksha Bandhan. But don't fear because some tips are here to save you the torture. Here are ten ways to save yourself from Raksha Bandhan.

• When a girl calls you for tying a rakhi, tell her the same dialogue she cracks when you ask her out. Simply say, '' Maine tujhe uss nazar se kabhi dekha nahin hai. I don't mean to hurt, but let's just be friends naa. Sorry!''

P.S: Capture her photo with her expression at that very moment, Instagram it and upload it on Facebook and Twitter to get the maximum likes.

• Tell her your nick name is Anna (brother in Tamil) and there is no need to tie a rakhi to make you her brother. (it's a lie for a day).

• Tell her that your school pledge was a lie. Your school made you read it everyday because they did not want another DPS MMS scandal.

• Kiss her before she ties the rakhi. And tell her that now she cannot tie you a rakhi or else you in literal sense would be called a bhen#%%*

• Tell her you have a crush on her sister or her sister asked you out and she tying you rakhi means stopping two lovers from mating, I mean meeting.

• Tell her you are broke and this rakhi you plan to borrow money for the next few months from your new sister

• Tell her your family is cursed. Simply convince her that anyone who becomes your sister will die in 3 days out of a painful death.

• Show her your ugliest cousin brother's picture and tell her that in your family the one who becomes your sister should marry your cousin, according to the family traditions.

• Plaster your hands and say it's a fracture. Convince her that the lightest of the touch there and you could lose your hand.

• And if nothing works try this, embarrass her by shouting in the public places in Gujju accent saying Here comes my Bhen. Oh my bhen, let's go and watch Coketale in the movie hole. I promise you she will never see you ever again after that, but at least you won't end up being her brother. :P

Issued in public interest! Please share if you care. And remember whatever you do, no matter what the situation is, don't lend your hand to a woman today!

Maushi Chi Gand- Reloaded

(WTF Ad): What-The-Foolish Advertisement

(WTF Ad) What-The-Foolish Advertisement
And then, that’s not all, your friend refuses to touch you because he thinks it spreads.

Your day starts, travelling in the train/bus/rickshaw to your work or college. You spend hours working hard, doing project work and spend hours sweating the hell out in a non a/c room (referring to room number 3). And then by the end of the day you are tired, smelling bad and not to forget the body itch or the pimple you developed on your forehead while travelling back home.

After such a traumatising day, you reach home, get fresh and sit in front of your television set. You tune into MTV to hear some good music but what really happens from there is EPIC.

For Women:

You see a ‘Clean and Clear’ face wash advertisement. You suddenly feel it is god who hasn’t an angel to get rid of your pimple. But what really needs to be noted in the advertisement is the way the ad goes. It always starts with two good looking, well figured girls, looking in front of the mirror, and one of them, in a very squeaky voice says, ‘’ewwwwwwwwwww!!! Do din mein party hai, aur yeh dark circles, pimples aur yeh muhaase jate hi nahin hai’’.

1)      Lady, remember the golden rule. Guys in the parties check out everything in you but your pimple, so relax. The agency clearly needs to understand the needs of a man before showing the needs of a woman

2)      You are definitely going to mask yourself with 6 extra layers of make-up which is going to hide your dark spots, blackheads and dark circles. So why worry?

3)      It’s just a pimple, don’t over react, take a deep breath, using the damn product and go to your party.

It’s pretty obvious that agencies need to come across better ways to burst the pimple-free-advertisement-clutter.

Tip for the advertising agencies: Pimple is a hygienic problem, not a relationship problem. Don’t mix love/flirt and relationships with pimples or dark circles.

For men:

When men expect Katrina Kaif to appear on the screen, playing with her mangoes (no pun intended), they end up expecting something even more exciting in the name of ‘’Itch-guard cream’’ advertisement. Like honestly, that’s the only sole purpose which makes women believe that men don’t take a bath. I mean seriously, why doesn’t an Itch Guard advertisement have a woman scratching her parts? #SEXISTAdvertisements

Well again, the advertisement always starts with someone else noticing your itching problems. Aren’t you old enough to figure it out yourself dude?

Dude, just remember one thing your scars/itches looks more like a love bite than an infection. So the creative team again, please come with something more creative so that we don’t end up scratching our head instead of our crotch, wondering what just happened.

Tip for the advertising agencies: Men don’t use carom coins to scratch their neck or crotch in case of an itch. Please do not encourage them in using such props.

Do we need a Spiderman in Mumbai?

Last evening watching the Amazing Spiderman in 3D was a great experience. It really made me think why Indians don't have a good super hero. I don't count Krrish in the list, thanks to the emotional melodrama Rakesh Roshan adds to the story. I don't consider Ra.One ever to be a part of the list for the kind of torture our film audience went through and Drona, well let's just keep him out of the equation. 

But honestly, what made me also think is what if Spiderman was real and existed in Mumbai? There is obviously a huge difference between being a super hero and being a Mumbaikar. So why doesn't Mumbai have it's own super hero?

Thinking hard on this note, here are 5 reason I think why a Spider-man doesn't exist in our city;

1.) Is that a spider boil. Oh wait! That’s a heat boil:

Imagine a super hero, jumping around the city every morning trying to save the city. During the summers, it would be a site to watch him, with that skin tight body suite, scratching around his body, panting after jumping few blocks and dying out of thirst. Trust me Spidy, your villains need not make efforts to plan out a strategy to kill you, they might just wait for the Indian summers to do the job.

2.) Save the world or save our relationship:

Yes it’s difficult to handle a relationship and also be a super hero at the same time. Imagine one fine day you come back home all tired and you expect a big hug and some good moments with your girl friend and all you hear from here is, ‘you save the world only; you don’t want to save our relationship. You care about everyone in the city but me. I don’t think this is working.’

You know that’s the moment you always waited for, but then you also realise that she knows your deepest darkest secrets. So you really can’t afford to break up with her. I know I know, life can be a messier than those webs you left behind for BMC people to clean up.

3.) Fine of 500 rupees or jail for 1 year or get married.

Spiderman, if you recollect never had an active sex life before he became a super hero. So once he became a super hero, he got the hottest chick in his college, his testosterone levels reached the peak and he starts making out frequently, anywhere and almost everywhere. The only problem is that, in India, one day if the government before the elections decides to raid PDA parties and catch people and get them arrest as a social responsibility and for the betterment of the society, Spidy would top the list of being caught in such scandals. What would follow is embarrassing because being a super hero you don’t want to end up paying fines, getting arrested or the least get yourself married to a girl.

4.) Maa don’t call me Chunnu, I’m a super hero now!

No matter how old you grow, your mother will never treat you like a super hero. Imagine you save a family from falling from a bridge and you hear your mom screaming out of joy, from the bridge saying, 'well done chunnu, proud of you'. That moment kills everything you ever needed, The family you saved starts laughing hard on you, rolling on the floor. Wait, that's not all, being a mother the melodrama has to follow. Before you leave to save the city, your mother would pack lunch in a dabba and tell you not to eat outside food and also she would stitch a zip in your suite so that you can pee easily and frequently.

 Apart from this, it would also be difficult to survive in India as a super-hero. Really, like imagine;

• If he illegally crosses the signal even while he is flying, he would have to pay fine to the pandu.

• For the sake of survival and his high 

maintenance girlfriend, he would have to consider taking part in roadies or Indian Idol to earn money, since there is no scope for Bio-technology in India

• He would need a flying license to fly around the city

• Can't drink and fly, he would be caught by Dhoble or would simply appear in SMJ's next episode for the alcohol abuse activities inspite beating up the bad guys and saving the country

• He would be a mix breed of a spider and a mosquito if he stays in a area like Dharavi or Sion

• He would be stonned to death by Shiv Sena party members for PDA during the Valentines day

• Ram Goapl Varma would want to make a movie on him

• Some day if his web stopped working, he would have to consider taking the local trains

That's a lot of problems to face being a super hero. So now I see why this city really doesn't need one super hero because in this city everyone is a hero in their own way. Right from the middle class people who travel in the ever-crowded local trains or those people who get stuck in the traffic after their tiring day, to those young students who try to fight for what's right, to those dabba-walas who work so hard everyday so that you get your lunch on time, to those ladies who handle their house and work at the same time. We don't need a super hero to save us. We need the people to come forward and simply understand that with great responsibilities comes great powers(intentional tweaked).So the point still remains, do we really need a super-hero?

Now playing: With Baba Ramdev's feelings

Avengers Assemble in Bollywood

 

Ever Imagined if Avengers- the movie was made in Bollywood.

Giving it a thought and I present you Avengers Assemble in Bollywood or rightfully their Hindi title ''Angaarey Bane Sholey''

Produced by Yashraj films and directed by Aditya Chopra.

Music by Himesh Reshamiyan and the story by Me.

Avengers Assemble in Bollywood starring

Amitabh Bachchan as Iron-Man

Shah Rukh Khan as Captain America

Sunny Deol as Hulk

Abhisekh Bachchan as Thor

Uday Chopra as Loki

Did not see a need to add Hawk and Black widow for obvious reasons that they are boring.

The story starts with Iron Man who praises his own credentials of being the greatest Super-hero in town. But back then when he wasn't a super-hero. That was the time when his wife Iron-Woman died in a road accident. The accident took place when they were chasing a bunch of aliens who Loki had sent. These aliens traveled in Kawasaki Ninja bikes and always traveled in Ganjis (banyaan) in their bikes at a speed of 250km/hr. Not to forget the nitro boost power their bikes had. So here was Iron-man and his wife chasing the aliens, when suddenly he sees Loki. A super-villain who was physically handicapped. Loki did not have legs. He was still talented enough to ride a Kawasaki Ninja. 

Iron-Man felt bad, raced his car, stuck his head out and told Loki something that won him many hearts. He said, ''dus tareek ko pass ke gav mein jake do boond zindagi ka laga dena.'' (please get yourself 2 drops of Polio from the closest village on the 10th of this month.)

Loki did not see that coming from the Iron-Man. But Iron-man also did not see the truck which was coming his way. The truck crashed straight into his car, leaving the Iron-Woman, played by Jaya Bachchan, left to die in the highway.

Jaya refuses to die. But she has to. (The sad music plays in the background) She refuses to die. She wants her presence felt for a few more minutes. She drags her death. The Iron-Man says, ''Rashes ya scratch hota toh Boro-plus cream laga sakte the, magar yeh toh bahut gehri choth hai.'' She still refuses to die. After a while, he takes a stone out and bangs on her head. (The sad music continuous).

Loki then removes his legs out of his pants, laughs out loud at the Iron-Man and rides away to his planet.

Iron-Man could not believe his eyes. He dipped his finger in her blood and rubbed it against his forehead. He cried and then promised to himself to take revenge from LOKI- the god of flop movies.

Meanwhile somewhere in Chandigarh, bunch of hot girls in their shorts were practicing Hockey. The team wasn't doing well. They lost pretty much every match that they played. They needed a coach. A coach who was a loser. A coach who was a Captain of a losing world cup team. A coach who was bitched and booed by the critics. Who else would be perfect for this job than the guy who coached his staff to make a movie like Ra.One.

The Indian Women's Hockey Federation hired the Captain of the losing American hockey team. Captain America. (Had to fit the name somewhere right?)

Captain America never had super powers; but he could charm any lady by doing the same old thing again and again. He approached the Women Hockey team and in a very lame tone said, '' Captain America. Naam toh suna hi hoga.'' The girls are excited to be trained by this Captain. He guides them to victory in every match. It is now the finals of Women's Hockey World Cup Finals. 

Captain knows he has to motivate his girls. He says, ''70 minute, 70 minute hai tumhare pass. Yeh 70 minute tum se Khuda bhi nahin cheen sakta hai. Aaj main tumhe nahin bataunga ki filmein kaise banate hai, aaj tum muhje bataoge ki meri next picture London Ishq ke last 70 Minutes mein kya karu mein ki picture hit hojaye. Aaj agar tum jeetgaye toh tumhe mein party dunga. Par agar tum har gaye, toh agle 70 saal tak tum logo ke mein roz Ra.One dikhaunga.

That was more than enough to motivate the girls to win the Hockey World Cup finals. Captain America won the battle. This got Iron Man's focus and a plan to team up with the Captain and defeat Loki.

The Iron-Man knew if he had to defeat Loki, he could not do it alone. Loki was not powerful, but he was from another world. Who knows how many people he had in his army.

Iron-Man set a meeting with Captain America. They decided to meet in the local bar. The bar had a fight club that evening. The evening was intense. A man called Jwala was beating the hell out of everyone. He was so powerful, he could beat the Iron-Man and Captain America at one go. He tore apart almost everything that came in his way. He threw chairs, tables, fans and people all around the bar. And then he said something that pissed of a man who was seeing the action quitely. Jwala said, '' Koi nahin hai aisa jo aaj ke TAREEK (date) mein muhje hara sake.'' Listening to the word 'Tareek'' stood the man. He said, '' Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Tareek pe tareek. Tareek pe tareek, aakir kab aayegi teri tareek.'' The man popularly called the Hulk, stood up tall, ripped apart a hand pump, ran towards Jwala and smashed it on his head. Jwala fell down. He lost against Hulk. Hulk was the new Hero of the town. Looking at Jwala he said, '' Yeh dhai kilo ka haath jab kisi pe uthta hai, aadmi uthta nahin uth jata hai.''

The Iron-Man and Captain America were stunned to see the Hulk. They quickly pulled him off and offered him a chair. The offered him a role in their next movies if they joined forces with them to defeat Loki.

But to defeat Loki, it was necessary to go to the other world. These 3 super-heroes had no IDEA what to do. That's when it struck Iron-Man to call the god of Heavenly apps THOR. Thor has been in the heaven for quite sometime now, taking care of his after life. He has been taking care of people and their needs in Heaven. That is why he is considered as a GOD there.

So Iron-Man, Captain America and the Hulk tried to contact Thor. All they had to do was flash their 3G phone towards the sky and the god would appear. And that's what they did. Within a flash of light, Thor the God of heavenly apps appeared in front of them. Captain America said, ''Thor, we need your help to defeat your friend-cum-foe Loki''. For which Thor replied, ''Taking my help for killing Loki, old idea. Idea 3G phone will heavenly apps, new idea.'' And without wasting more time he takes them to the heaven. They call out for Loki using their Idea 3G phone which has amazing network only in the heaven. 

Loki answered their call and accepted their challenge. The war began. Loki warned the Avengers to surrender. Loki said, ''We have an army of flop actors''. Iron-Man replied, '' We have the Hulk.''

That pissed Loki off. His army had Rahul Roy, Kumar Gaurav, Adhyayan Suman, Mussambil Abraham and the famous Mimmo. That my friend is the most destructive army. Iron-Man, Captain America and Hulk freaked out. Meanwhile, Thor removes his 3G phone and says, ''Attacking with guns and weapons old idea. New Idea 3G with deadly weapon apps, new idea.'' He fires missiles called Drona and Refugee at the army. The only way to kill these people was to give them a taste of their own medicine. Iron-Man fires a Nishadab missile followed by a Buddhah Hoga Tera Baap missile. Captain America fires Dulha Mil Gaya. Loki still powerful fires Niel and Nikki, Pyaar Impossible and Mere Yaar ki Shaadi hai missiles. Loki said, '' you still have time to surrender. Just say, ''Loki zindabaad.'' The super-heroes fearing Loki repeated, ''Loki zindabaad''. Loki then said ab kaho, ''Rajnikant murdabaad''. With everyone injured it was time Hulk finished everything. Hulk said, ''aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Rajnikant zindabbad the, zindabaad hai aur zindabaad rahenge''. He approached Loki and the army and fired the ROK SAKO TOH ROKLO missile and destroyed everyone.

So the Superheros survive and the planet is saved again. It wont be wrong to say the planet is safe again thanks to Rajnikant.

Bizarre imagination can be freely abused or praised @upsidedakshin/twitter.com or https://www.facebook.com/dash.in.dakshin . Please give your feedback it will surely help me write better.

Types of Bananas

Here I’m with my second blog called the ‘Type of Bananas’. Bananas are in reference to a kind of species called men. The following content is my opinion and purely based on observations.

I’m sorry if this blog is used as a reference point by any lady for their men. This can also be a reference point for man to tell the world that all men are not the same.

Coming back to the blog, we the 1^st kind of bananas are called the Green Banana.

The green bananas are the ones who you would want to wait for till it’s the right time to enjoy them. Why I refer to wait for the right time is because, these kinds are bitter to taste and you can’t predict when they would mature. The characteristics of them are immature, close minded and insecure. These are the ones you would not want to pick up from the market, but still end up picking them up. They appear as very caring, nice, simple and you will want to spend the future with these people till the time you realise they haven’t matured yet and that your life has become bitter after getting a taste of them.

Before getting into a relationship:

They decide the kind of relationship they want with you based on questions like “How many relationships you had? Or Are you a Virgin?” Though men tend to ask this question at one point of time to their partners, but these kinds would not want to date you once you say you are not a virgin.

After getting into a relationship:

Just in case you end up dating this kind, it would be difficult to find you in Facebook every day, your social networking passwords have to be submitted as a safety deposit to them. The number of meeting you have with any men, no matter brother, best friends or any client, the number is always recorded and used as a comparison pie chart when you fight with him over flirting with other girls. Normally, these bananas are dumped, or ending making up stories about their partners so that the whole world thinks his partner was wrong.

Suggestion to deal with them: MOVE ON, because they won’t change or simply deal with them, change for them, compromise your life and stay bitterly happy with them ever after.

The second kind of bananas are called the Black Banana

These bananas are too sweet who either get dumped due to too much of sweetness or their site starts getting disgusting after a point. The green bananas who realise their mistakes generally end up being a black banana. They change themselves to work a relationship, be sweet and would do anything to work a relationship. These are the ones you don’t find many in the market. After a point of time, they are tagged as annoying and their partners demand for their space.

Before getting into a relationship:

They would appear as people who would look for an emotional support by talking their heart out about their past relationships, especially when they are dumped. The easiest way to get to girl is gain her sympathy and make her realise that a sweet kinds like these also can be dumped.  

After getting into a relationship:

These kinds could possibly be one of the best partners who one can have because they may adjust or listen to you till the time they don’t catch you cheating. They would ask for your phones once in a while to just keep a check. They would also like to spend a lot of time with their partners, know about all their friends and also want to go everywhere where their partners go.

Suggestion to deal with them:  Make them understand. They will surely take time but will understand your space.  You really don’t want to miss these kinds after spending good days with them.

The 3^rd kind of bananas are called the Ripe Bananas

 These are the kinds who every girl encounters or wish to encounter. They are ripe, bright and the most preferred in the market. Everyone wants a bite of them. Characteristics of these kinds are flirty, smart and love to have a conversation with anyone. They are caring for obvious reasons to grab your attention. They are friendly with everyone.

They can’t be differentiated between before relationship and after relationship, because they don’t believe in relationships. These kinds love dinners, lunches and coffees. They believe in work hard, earn good and spent it all for their good. They don’t care who their partners meet, greet, message or love. They are very selfish when it comes to satisfying their own needs and don’t think about anyone till there is a benefit attached. They believe in practicality and are emotionally insensitive. Generally these kinds are born from a realisation from the black banana phase or have too many partners and prefer not getting attached to one.

Suggestion to deal with them:  Be with them only if you want to have fun without a commitment. Don’t regret and never let them know about it because that is the last time you will ever hear from them. Not the right kinds for spending future with, unless they decide to change for you.

You will find a lot of bananas in the market. One or the other day they will end up in any of these 3 main kinds.

With this I come to the end of my blog. Please leave your opinions and valuable feedbacks.